What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
