4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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