You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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