I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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