He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
