Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
