it wasn't lemon gatorade
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
