stop calling my apartment porn island.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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