i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
