Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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