who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
