You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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