My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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