i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
