Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
