dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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