my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
