my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
