he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
