so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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