So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
