hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize