Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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