i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize