Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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