He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
