We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
