Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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