You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize