The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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