I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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