Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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