She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
