Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
no you cant smoke seaweed
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
