I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
