and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
