It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
