i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
