Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
