so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
