wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
How's work?
Spinning.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Who died my cat blue again?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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