Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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