my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
