Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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