So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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