i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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