I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize