i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
