she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Two words: blizzard sex
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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