the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
