Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
