just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
