My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
