Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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