i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize