she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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