Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
