Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
