First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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