Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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