I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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