im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
