peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
